sometimes i just wanna rip my hair out and stomp on the ground and scream until the soft pink lining on my throat is ribbons, until i finally figure out what this is all about. i have this unshakeable fear and belief that in the end, none of this matters.
everything we do, everything we say, everything we lose & gain, all the good times and the bad, all these things in our lives that we consider to be of utmost importance are all swept away like dust on a windy day. we work and school ourselves and we get jobs that affect a few people, we drive to see people and when a night is over, it is over. nothing lasts. what's the point of anything? fleeting good times, fleeting romances, stuff that does not last. it all goes away, so why are we trying so hard?
i know i'm being stupid, but it confuses me sometimes.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
pure exhilaration
the blackest part of the night, seductive with her cold airs and wild possibilities, called me, and i went gladly. the freeway was empty of all cars except my own, headlights barely cracking the dense cover of darkness, trees obscuring the most persistent streetlights. shine a light by wolf parade was clawing its way through my speakers, a steady beat that always serves to get my heart beating wildly, never fails to make me feel free. i rolled all four windows down, revved the engine and upped my speed to a glorious 95mph, and felt the air rush in and whip my hair and my soul into a wild frenzy. i put my left arm out the window, cupped the air, made motions that made my hand feel like it was rippling through cold water. it was amazing and wild and free, and it was what i needed.
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
there was nowhere to go but everywhere
keep rolling under the stars. it's been a while, i know; i've been in chicago. more specifically, a small suburb a small ways away from chicago. small, 1000 people maybe, cornfields in all their golden glory, loose t-shirts and sweatpants galore, nothing besides the local wal-mart open past 8pm. their world is small. i left my heart in the big cities, in the skylines of new york and san francisco, in the beaches, the foggy mornings, the wet-haired early morning surfers of san diego, the drizzle and quietly burgeoning hugeness of london.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
sorry about the dark
tonight we watched old home videos of ourselves, 6, 7, 8 years ago. our faces were a little rounder, a little smaller. some of us had glasses; our hair wasn't shiny with product, our skin had not yet encountered the make-up we prize today to make our eyes look a little bigger, our lips a little plumper. there was only softness in our beings, as we had not yet experienced all those things that have since given us our hard edges. there were no secrets; there was only the promise of more summer days spent playing video games and making waterslides in the backyard.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
and while i'm at it
i've made a decision! the summer after i turn 21, which is also the summer after i graduate, i am going to tour the country with just my car, my guitar, some clothes, books, and food/gas money.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
i've gotta be cool, relax...
i'm a jumbled mess of nerves, paranoia, and the debilitating sense of caged fury. it's silly that as i get closer and closer to moving back to my city, i feel less and less like going out, seeing people, interacting.
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
i won that battle.
i caught you. i know exactly what you've found out, how you've found it out, and how as a result you're never gonna find anything again.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
beauty is a manmade crime
art, art, art, art, ART
i'm back in the world and i am loving it
finally, ideas, creative spark, energy, desire, meshing together with some real physical tangible outcome
i've got one piece nearly done, i hope it comes out as it looks in my head.
now it's a matter of putting passion together with ability; i've got to get the technical skills back, learn the shape of the human body again (how i miss your touch under my fingertips), learn to put what's in my head down onto paper, re-learn how colour can become the essence of feeling
i hope this lasts.
i'm back in the world and i am loving it
finally, ideas, creative spark, energy, desire, meshing together with some real physical tangible outcome
i've got one piece nearly done, i hope it comes out as it looks in my head.
now it's a matter of putting passion together with ability; i've got to get the technical skills back, learn the shape of the human body again (how i miss your touch under my fingertips), learn to put what's in my head down onto paper, re-learn how colour can become the essence of feeling
i hope this lasts.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
time to let go
i think the time may have come. i've been sitting in this room all day, either losing myself in a book or thinking very seriously about everything.
i don't know how to handle this anymore; i thought i did, i thought i could take anything that came my way, but i'm not sure i can any longer. the guilt that i feel every time my mom reiterates her trust in me, the rage at all the people who make exaggerated and despicably untrue statements based on tiny little grains of truth, and the gossip...i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.
i think it might be time to sever ties. my muslim friends, i love you all more than you'll ever know, but this is something that just needs to be done, i think. it will be better for all of you--your parents won't be giving you trouble about me anymore, no more lying and sticking up for me. it'll be better for me too, someday--i'll be gone without a trace, the lack of my presence here will eventually mean they'll have nothing to talk about anymore.
i have one month, and then i'll be gone. i'm never coming back. by now, the thought of leaving also fills me with despair--my best friend and i, parted forever. i don't know what it's going to be like, but i've got to handle it somehow.
i really, really hate this.
i don't know how to handle this anymore; i thought i did, i thought i could take anything that came my way, but i'm not sure i can any longer. the guilt that i feel every time my mom reiterates her trust in me, the rage at all the people who make exaggerated and despicably untrue statements based on tiny little grains of truth, and the gossip...i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.
i think it might be time to sever ties. my muslim friends, i love you all more than you'll ever know, but this is something that just needs to be done, i think. it will be better for all of you--your parents won't be giving you trouble about me anymore, no more lying and sticking up for me. it'll be better for me too, someday--i'll be gone without a trace, the lack of my presence here will eventually mean they'll have nothing to talk about anymore.
i have one month, and then i'll be gone. i'm never coming back. by now, the thought of leaving also fills me with despair--my best friend and i, parted forever. i don't know what it's going to be like, but i've got to handle it somehow.
i really, really hate this.
burn in hell, assholes
you would think it would be bad enough having the threat of never being able to see your best friend again hanging over your head, wouldn't you? you would think that having to deal with all this fucking bullshit for two months, nonstop, a constant source of stress and depression and fucking anger would be enough, right? and when it happens AGAIN and your best friend's parents may have found out you've been seeing each other secretly, as if you're fucking SECRET LOVERS, and everything you've been trying to keep from crashing down around you is just falling apart again--isn't that fucking enough?
no, apparently it's not. apparently this is the part where my mother jumps in and decides to talk about how it's all affecting HER somehow and decides to completely disregard the fact that i don't want to fucking talk about any of it. i think about it, i can't get it out of my head, i have to deal with it every day, the LAST thing i want to do is TALK about it. and somehow that's a fucking crime.
i guess she decided i wasn't feeling bad enough or something. well, she got what she wanted. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i need to LEAVE
no, apparently it's not. apparently this is the part where my mother jumps in and decides to talk about how it's all affecting HER somehow and decides to completely disregard the fact that i don't want to fucking talk about any of it. i think about it, i can't get it out of my head, i have to deal with it every day, the LAST thing i want to do is TALK about it. and somehow that's a fucking crime.
i guess she decided i wasn't feeling bad enough or something. well, she got what she wanted. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i need to LEAVE
Saturday, July 28, 2007
phantoms
i want a romantic moment
a true romantic moment, no awkward strings attached
i want to be able to understand why things work the way they do
i want art to happen every time i step outside
i want to know what it takes to be that girl
i want to know what it is that i'm missing
i want to travel north america in my car; meet people and find life in every breath
i want to know how people find it so easy to be so awful to each other
i want to know if they consider the consequences when they make promises they don't intend to keep
i want the balance back, i don't want to tiptoe through life anymore.
a true romantic moment, no awkward strings attached
i want to be able to understand why things work the way they do
i want art to happen every time i step outside
i want to know what it takes to be that girl
i want to know what it is that i'm missing
i want to travel north america in my car; meet people and find life in every breath
i want to know how people find it so easy to be so awful to each other
i want to know if they consider the consequences when they make promises they don't intend to keep
i want the balance back, i don't want to tiptoe through life anymore.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
when art replaces romance
we take pictures.
i'm gonna forget about him, and all of them.
nothing but trouble.
i'm gonna forget about him, and all of them.
nothing but trouble.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
...
this is really unfair. i give up. i've done everything i thought i knew how to do for the past year and none of it is working out for me. in the end, there's always something or someone else. so i am just done.
what's the point, anyway.
what's the point, anyway.
Monday, July 23, 2007
if these walls could speak
it's sickening, and i've allowed it to happen. i've always told myself that this is something i could avoid, that i could turn my back on this feeling and just live. despite the regrets, the disappointments and heartbreaks in the world, i always thought it was possible to keep hope and strength in every action and every event of my life, because i've always felt the good times outweight the bad.
the fact is, cynicism beat down my door with ugly fists today.
high hopes flying from one corner of the universe to the next, then crash-landing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
i hate feeling like this and i truly, truly hope it's not like this everytime. i miss unadulterated joy.
the fact is, cynicism beat down my door with ugly fists today.
high hopes flying from one corner of the universe to the next, then crash-landing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
i hate feeling like this and i truly, truly hope it's not like this everytime. i miss unadulterated joy.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
sometimes, i miss you
and i hope that sometimes, you miss me too. despite everything.
imagine all the people we meet in our lives, starting from when we legitimately were able to make connections with humans other than our family members. imagine everyone you met in pre-school, the kids you deemed your best friends because they ran as fast as you did, played with the same dinky toys, watched the same television shows. imagine the people you met the year after that and the year after that, and so on. imagine the people who connect. the ones who see life the same way you do, or as close to it as anyone can come--the people you spark with, who you may not have anything in common with, but you somehow fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
imagine all the people whose lives you've touched, and who have touched yours, too. those people that you could turn to at any time, talk to about anything.
it's strange to imagine, isn't it, that when these people leave our lives, they change as much as we did in the intervening time. in our minds, they are frozen forever, like a photograph, in the state they were when we left them. for example, i'm sure my best friend from second grade (jillian serraro, light of my life) is some kind of adult with some sense of maturity now--maybe she's in college too, maybe she's in love, maybe she isn't. but in my mind, she will forever be the laughing small girl with bushy hair and a face that lit up the room.
i know it's inevitable to lose people and gain people on the way, but when i think about them collectively, it makes me sad to think of all those people i loved and lost in these years.
imagine all the people we meet in our lives, starting from when we legitimately were able to make connections with humans other than our family members. imagine everyone you met in pre-school, the kids you deemed your best friends because they ran as fast as you did, played with the same dinky toys, watched the same television shows. imagine the people you met the year after that and the year after that, and so on. imagine the people who connect. the ones who see life the same way you do, or as close to it as anyone can come--the people you spark with, who you may not have anything in common with, but you somehow fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
imagine all the people whose lives you've touched, and who have touched yours, too. those people that you could turn to at any time, talk to about anything.
it's strange to imagine, isn't it, that when these people leave our lives, they change as much as we did in the intervening time. in our minds, they are frozen forever, like a photograph, in the state they were when we left them. for example, i'm sure my best friend from second grade (jillian serraro, light of my life) is some kind of adult with some sense of maturity now--maybe she's in college too, maybe she's in love, maybe she isn't. but in my mind, she will forever be the laughing small girl with bushy hair and a face that lit up the room.
i know it's inevitable to lose people and gain people on the way, but when i think about them collectively, it makes me sad to think of all those people i loved and lost in these years.
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