sometimes i just wanna rip my hair out and stomp on the ground and scream until the soft pink lining on my throat is ribbons, until i finally figure out what this is all about. i have this unshakeable fear and belief that in the end, none of this matters.
everything we do, everything we say, everything we lose & gain, all the good times and the bad, all these things in our lives that we consider to be of utmost importance are all swept away like dust on a windy day. we work and school ourselves and we get jobs that affect a few people, we drive to see people and when a night is over, it is over. nothing lasts. what's the point of anything? fleeting good times, fleeting romances, stuff that does not last. it all goes away, so why are we trying so hard?
i know i'm being stupid, but it confuses me sometimes.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
pure exhilaration
the blackest part of the night, seductive with her cold airs and wild possibilities, called me, and i went gladly. the freeway was empty of all cars except my own, headlights barely cracking the dense cover of darkness, trees obscuring the most persistent streetlights. shine a light by wolf parade was clawing its way through my speakers, a steady beat that always serves to get my heart beating wildly, never fails to make me feel free. i rolled all four windows down, revved the engine and upped my speed to a glorious 95mph, and felt the air rush in and whip my hair and my soul into a wild frenzy. i put my left arm out the window, cupped the air, made motions that made my hand feel like it was rippling through cold water. it was amazing and wild and free, and it was what i needed.
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
there was nowhere to go but everywhere
keep rolling under the stars. it's been a while, i know; i've been in chicago. more specifically, a small suburb a small ways away from chicago. small, 1000 people maybe, cornfields in all their golden glory, loose t-shirts and sweatpants galore, nothing besides the local wal-mart open past 8pm. their world is small. i left my heart in the big cities, in the skylines of new york and san francisco, in the beaches, the foggy mornings, the wet-haired early morning surfers of san diego, the drizzle and quietly burgeoning hugeness of london.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
sorry about the dark
tonight we watched old home videos of ourselves, 6, 7, 8 years ago. our faces were a little rounder, a little smaller. some of us had glasses; our hair wasn't shiny with product, our skin had not yet encountered the make-up we prize today to make our eyes look a little bigger, our lips a little plumper. there was only softness in our beings, as we had not yet experienced all those things that have since given us our hard edges. there were no secrets; there was only the promise of more summer days spent playing video games and making waterslides in the backyard.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
and while i'm at it
i've made a decision! the summer after i turn 21, which is also the summer after i graduate, i am going to tour the country with just my car, my guitar, some clothes, books, and food/gas money.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
i've gotta be cool, relax...
i'm a jumbled mess of nerves, paranoia, and the debilitating sense of caged fury. it's silly that as i get closer and closer to moving back to my city, i feel less and less like going out, seeing people, interacting.
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
i won that battle.
i caught you. i know exactly what you've found out, how you've found it out, and how as a result you're never gonna find anything again.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
beauty is a manmade crime
art, art, art, art, ART
i'm back in the world and i am loving it
finally, ideas, creative spark, energy, desire, meshing together with some real physical tangible outcome
i've got one piece nearly done, i hope it comes out as it looks in my head.
now it's a matter of putting passion together with ability; i've got to get the technical skills back, learn the shape of the human body again (how i miss your touch under my fingertips), learn to put what's in my head down onto paper, re-learn how colour can become the essence of feeling
i hope this lasts.
i'm back in the world and i am loving it
finally, ideas, creative spark, energy, desire, meshing together with some real physical tangible outcome
i've got one piece nearly done, i hope it comes out as it looks in my head.
now it's a matter of putting passion together with ability; i've got to get the technical skills back, learn the shape of the human body again (how i miss your touch under my fingertips), learn to put what's in my head down onto paper, re-learn how colour can become the essence of feeling
i hope this lasts.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
time to let go
i think the time may have come. i've been sitting in this room all day, either losing myself in a book or thinking very seriously about everything.
i don't know how to handle this anymore; i thought i did, i thought i could take anything that came my way, but i'm not sure i can any longer. the guilt that i feel every time my mom reiterates her trust in me, the rage at all the people who make exaggerated and despicably untrue statements based on tiny little grains of truth, and the gossip...i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.
i think it might be time to sever ties. my muslim friends, i love you all more than you'll ever know, but this is something that just needs to be done, i think. it will be better for all of you--your parents won't be giving you trouble about me anymore, no more lying and sticking up for me. it'll be better for me too, someday--i'll be gone without a trace, the lack of my presence here will eventually mean they'll have nothing to talk about anymore.
i have one month, and then i'll be gone. i'm never coming back. by now, the thought of leaving also fills me with despair--my best friend and i, parted forever. i don't know what it's going to be like, but i've got to handle it somehow.
i really, really hate this.
i don't know how to handle this anymore; i thought i did, i thought i could take anything that came my way, but i'm not sure i can any longer. the guilt that i feel every time my mom reiterates her trust in me, the rage at all the people who make exaggerated and despicably untrue statements based on tiny little grains of truth, and the gossip...i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.
i think it might be time to sever ties. my muslim friends, i love you all more than you'll ever know, but this is something that just needs to be done, i think. it will be better for all of you--your parents won't be giving you trouble about me anymore, no more lying and sticking up for me. it'll be better for me too, someday--i'll be gone without a trace, the lack of my presence here will eventually mean they'll have nothing to talk about anymore.
i have one month, and then i'll be gone. i'm never coming back. by now, the thought of leaving also fills me with despair--my best friend and i, parted forever. i don't know what it's going to be like, but i've got to handle it somehow.
i really, really hate this.
burn in hell, assholes
you would think it would be bad enough having the threat of never being able to see your best friend again hanging over your head, wouldn't you? you would think that having to deal with all this fucking bullshit for two months, nonstop, a constant source of stress and depression and fucking anger would be enough, right? and when it happens AGAIN and your best friend's parents may have found out you've been seeing each other secretly, as if you're fucking SECRET LOVERS, and everything you've been trying to keep from crashing down around you is just falling apart again--isn't that fucking enough?
no, apparently it's not. apparently this is the part where my mother jumps in and decides to talk about how it's all affecting HER somehow and decides to completely disregard the fact that i don't want to fucking talk about any of it. i think about it, i can't get it out of my head, i have to deal with it every day, the LAST thing i want to do is TALK about it. and somehow that's a fucking crime.
i guess she decided i wasn't feeling bad enough or something. well, she got what she wanted. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i need to LEAVE
no, apparently it's not. apparently this is the part where my mother jumps in and decides to talk about how it's all affecting HER somehow and decides to completely disregard the fact that i don't want to fucking talk about any of it. i think about it, i can't get it out of my head, i have to deal with it every day, the LAST thing i want to do is TALK about it. and somehow that's a fucking crime.
i guess she decided i wasn't feeling bad enough or something. well, she got what she wanted. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i need to LEAVE
Saturday, July 28, 2007
phantoms
i want a romantic moment
a true romantic moment, no awkward strings attached
i want to be able to understand why things work the way they do
i want art to happen every time i step outside
i want to know what it takes to be that girl
i want to know what it is that i'm missing
i want to travel north america in my car; meet people and find life in every breath
i want to know how people find it so easy to be so awful to each other
i want to know if they consider the consequences when they make promises they don't intend to keep
i want the balance back, i don't want to tiptoe through life anymore.
a true romantic moment, no awkward strings attached
i want to be able to understand why things work the way they do
i want art to happen every time i step outside
i want to know what it takes to be that girl
i want to know what it is that i'm missing
i want to travel north america in my car; meet people and find life in every breath
i want to know how people find it so easy to be so awful to each other
i want to know if they consider the consequences when they make promises they don't intend to keep
i want the balance back, i don't want to tiptoe through life anymore.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
when art replaces romance
we take pictures.
i'm gonna forget about him, and all of them.
nothing but trouble.
i'm gonna forget about him, and all of them.
nothing but trouble.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
...
this is really unfair. i give up. i've done everything i thought i knew how to do for the past year and none of it is working out for me. in the end, there's always something or someone else. so i am just done.
what's the point, anyway.
what's the point, anyway.
Monday, July 23, 2007
if these walls could speak
it's sickening, and i've allowed it to happen. i've always told myself that this is something i could avoid, that i could turn my back on this feeling and just live. despite the regrets, the disappointments and heartbreaks in the world, i always thought it was possible to keep hope and strength in every action and every event of my life, because i've always felt the good times outweight the bad.
the fact is, cynicism beat down my door with ugly fists today.
high hopes flying from one corner of the universe to the next, then crash-landing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
i hate feeling like this and i truly, truly hope it's not like this everytime. i miss unadulterated joy.
the fact is, cynicism beat down my door with ugly fists today.
high hopes flying from one corner of the universe to the next, then crash-landing with the weight of the world on their shoulders.
i hate feeling like this and i truly, truly hope it's not like this everytime. i miss unadulterated joy.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
sometimes, i miss you
and i hope that sometimes, you miss me too. despite everything.
imagine all the people we meet in our lives, starting from when we legitimately were able to make connections with humans other than our family members. imagine everyone you met in pre-school, the kids you deemed your best friends because they ran as fast as you did, played with the same dinky toys, watched the same television shows. imagine the people you met the year after that and the year after that, and so on. imagine the people who connect. the ones who see life the same way you do, or as close to it as anyone can come--the people you spark with, who you may not have anything in common with, but you somehow fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
imagine all the people whose lives you've touched, and who have touched yours, too. those people that you could turn to at any time, talk to about anything.
it's strange to imagine, isn't it, that when these people leave our lives, they change as much as we did in the intervening time. in our minds, they are frozen forever, like a photograph, in the state they were when we left them. for example, i'm sure my best friend from second grade (jillian serraro, light of my life) is some kind of adult with some sense of maturity now--maybe she's in college too, maybe she's in love, maybe she isn't. but in my mind, she will forever be the laughing small girl with bushy hair and a face that lit up the room.
i know it's inevitable to lose people and gain people on the way, but when i think about them collectively, it makes me sad to think of all those people i loved and lost in these years.
imagine all the people we meet in our lives, starting from when we legitimately were able to make connections with humans other than our family members. imagine everyone you met in pre-school, the kids you deemed your best friends because they ran as fast as you did, played with the same dinky toys, watched the same television shows. imagine the people you met the year after that and the year after that, and so on. imagine the people who connect. the ones who see life the same way you do, or as close to it as anyone can come--the people you spark with, who you may not have anything in common with, but you somehow fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
imagine all the people whose lives you've touched, and who have touched yours, too. those people that you could turn to at any time, talk to about anything.
it's strange to imagine, isn't it, that when these people leave our lives, they change as much as we did in the intervening time. in our minds, they are frozen forever, like a photograph, in the state they were when we left them. for example, i'm sure my best friend from second grade (jillian serraro, light of my life) is some kind of adult with some sense of maturity now--maybe she's in college too, maybe she's in love, maybe she isn't. but in my mind, she will forever be the laughing small girl with bushy hair and a face that lit up the room.
i know it's inevitable to lose people and gain people on the way, but when i think about them collectively, it makes me sad to think of all those people i loved and lost in these years.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
just as soon as my skin becomes rust
i saw wide-eyed children today. i saw them run as fast as their dear little legs could carry them, i heard their laughter pealing out with the same unrepentently joyous qualities that carry winds from one end of the earth to another. i was amazed.
and then i found myself almost wondering, for a moment, whether or not i'd change anything if i could go back to those carefree days, and start over. start with days where gaptoothed smiles and sunshine were the basis of my existence, and end at a better place than i am now.
and to my utter relief, i realised that if i had that opportunity, i wouldn't change a single thing. because despite the fact that my life isn't perfect, i am happy with who i've become, and i am happy on this path to becoming the person i will be in ten, twenty, fifty years.
i don't plan on changing a thing. life takes its own course, and that's the way it should be.
and then i found myself almost wondering, for a moment, whether or not i'd change anything if i could go back to those carefree days, and start over. start with days where gaptoothed smiles and sunshine were the basis of my existence, and end at a better place than i am now.
and to my utter relief, i realised that if i had that opportunity, i wouldn't change a single thing. because despite the fact that my life isn't perfect, i am happy with who i've become, and i am happy on this path to becoming the person i will be in ten, twenty, fifty years.
i don't plan on changing a thing. life takes its own course, and that's the way it should be.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
no blood no glory
back in nor-cal and taking it one slow, fucking endless day at a time. two more months, two more months...
Friday, July 13, 2007
freedom
i can't tell you how great it feels to get away, to be in LA. even if it's only for a few days, it's the breath of fresh air that i needed.
i have a date with a cute waiter. well, a possible date. on one hand i don't know if i want to be putting myself in that position again, and on the other hand...i'm only here for a couple more days, how much damage can he possibly do?
or i guess, how much damage can i allow him to do?
i think i'll go with him. i like him, he's cute and funny and his hair is spiky like a little kid. oh yeah, he's 27...but again, it's just a coffee date.
wheeeeeee
i have a date with a cute waiter. well, a possible date. on one hand i don't know if i want to be putting myself in that position again, and on the other hand...i'm only here for a couple more days, how much damage can he possibly do?
or i guess, how much damage can i allow him to do?
i think i'll go with him. i like him, he's cute and funny and his hair is spiky like a little kid. oh yeah, he's 27...but again, it's just a coffee date.
wheeeeeee
Monday, July 9, 2007
for fucks sake
i am a failure. i am going to end up living in a box. a cardboard box on the streets of new york.
i plan and organise and work hard, make sure i know what i want, i've had my goals set for years and the intensity of how much i want them only grows with me.
but in the end, it doesn't make a fucking difference. people don't want me because i don't have enough experience, and i don't have enough experience because people don't want me. it's a stupid impossible catch-22.
i wish someone would realise that i DO have potential and i CAN learn easily and i'm good at most things i set my mind to.
arrrrgh. well...i guess a box is better than nothing.
i plan and organise and work hard, make sure i know what i want, i've had my goals set for years and the intensity of how much i want them only grows with me.
but in the end, it doesn't make a fucking difference. people don't want me because i don't have enough experience, and i don't have enough experience because people don't want me. it's a stupid impossible catch-22.
i wish someone would realise that i DO have potential and i CAN learn easily and i'm good at most things i set my mind to.
arrrrgh. well...i guess a box is better than nothing.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
we shot the world
with every day that goes by, this desire gets stronger. it is buoyed up by desperation, and a sick sense of impossibility lies in its wake.
i want to just get up one day, erase all traces of my ever having lived here, and in san diego. leave a room as empty as the day i found it, leave this city where i don't belong. with me i would take clothing, my guitar, my camera, my savings, and this laptop. i want to get in my car and drive across the country (flying would be easier, but driving would be an adventure). i want to end up in new york. i want to change my name, change my hair, change my style and keep my soul. rent a couch in a strangers living room for $600/month. find a job, make money, find friends and love and adventure and seedy dive bars and dance all night.
i want a completely brand new life where i don't have to worry about what a bunch of religious fanatics are saying about me, about my friends. where i'm not sick with worry about what they're going to do next, how they're going to try and ruin my life again. where i don't constantly have to try to stay ahead of the game.
but i'm stuck. whether i'm here or in san diego, i cannot escape them. that thought terrifies me.
one day i'll have the courage to go to new york and create a new life for myself in which i will have no ties to anyone i know now, except maybe sarah. and until that day comes, i've got to find the strength to keep going, without buckling down.
i want to just get up one day, erase all traces of my ever having lived here, and in san diego. leave a room as empty as the day i found it, leave this city where i don't belong. with me i would take clothing, my guitar, my camera, my savings, and this laptop. i want to get in my car and drive across the country (flying would be easier, but driving would be an adventure). i want to end up in new york. i want to change my name, change my hair, change my style and keep my soul. rent a couch in a strangers living room for $600/month. find a job, make money, find friends and love and adventure and seedy dive bars and dance all night.
i want a completely brand new life where i don't have to worry about what a bunch of religious fanatics are saying about me, about my friends. where i'm not sick with worry about what they're going to do next, how they're going to try and ruin my life again. where i don't constantly have to try to stay ahead of the game.
but i'm stuck. whether i'm here or in san diego, i cannot escape them. that thought terrifies me.
one day i'll have the courage to go to new york and create a new life for myself in which i will have no ties to anyone i know now, except maybe sarah. and until that day comes, i've got to find the strength to keep going, without buckling down.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
selling knives
so there's this manual we follow for our knife demonstrations. it basically tells you what to say, how to present the product, etc, which is all fine, except for one thing.
we're basically supposed to follow the manual word for word. in my manager's words, we can't put our own spin on things--which is basically saying we can't put our own personality into what we're doing. we give life to the words these people have written down for us in these pages, and we get paid $17.70/hr for doing it.
i guess i shouldn't be complaining, that's fantastic pay, but i just think it's sad. think of all the corporations out there, mine obviously included, who are actually telling their representatives to hone down their personalities until they fit this cookie cutter mold.
and yeah i realise these are professionals who have designed the manuals, but...i dunno, maybe it's just me, but i feel like personality and unencumbered enthusiasm sells better than these deliberate paragraphs which we have to memorise word for word. no matter how talented you are as a sales rep, people can tell when you're quoting something right out of some book you read in your training class. you need a certain amount of personal touch to make it genuine, so why can't they give us room for that?
my boss is constantly saying, "don't try to reinvent the system". while it's true that the "system" works, has been working since 1941, reinvention can only lead to better things. there is no progress without attempts, failures, and eventual successes.
stupid billion-dollar corporations.
we're basically supposed to follow the manual word for word. in my manager's words, we can't put our own spin on things--which is basically saying we can't put our own personality into what we're doing. we give life to the words these people have written down for us in these pages, and we get paid $17.70/hr for doing it.
i guess i shouldn't be complaining, that's fantastic pay, but i just think it's sad. think of all the corporations out there, mine obviously included, who are actually telling their representatives to hone down their personalities until they fit this cookie cutter mold.
and yeah i realise these are professionals who have designed the manuals, but...i dunno, maybe it's just me, but i feel like personality and unencumbered enthusiasm sells better than these deliberate paragraphs which we have to memorise word for word. no matter how talented you are as a sales rep, people can tell when you're quoting something right out of some book you read in your training class. you need a certain amount of personal touch to make it genuine, so why can't they give us room for that?
my boss is constantly saying, "don't try to reinvent the system". while it's true that the "system" works, has been working since 1941, reinvention can only lead to better things. there is no progress without attempts, failures, and eventual successes.
stupid billion-dollar corporations.
oh, beautiful boy...
...sitting next to me everyday in job training, you send my nubile young body on a rollercoaster ride. seriously, with your little mohawk and creepers peeking out from under your nice slacks, your fitted shirt clinging to your lean muscled body...what are you trying to do to me?!
oh, and your accent is also adorable.
i'm that kind of idiot girl who is prone to crushes...a lot. always have been, always will remain so. lucky for me they're never serious.
although in this case i'm pretty sure he is flirting back.
then again, i've always been bad at figuring these things out. guess we'll see!
oh, and your accent is also adorable.
i'm that kind of idiot girl who is prone to crushes...a lot. always have been, always will remain so. lucky for me they're never serious.
although in this case i'm pretty sure he is flirting back.
then again, i've always been bad at figuring these things out. guess we'll see!
Friday, July 6, 2007
for a mere moment
there i was, sitting in the car, thinking about religion again, how i feel that everything is superfluous as long as you make that effort to be a good person. and for a moment, for a mere moment, i had this terrifying thought--what if i'm wrong? what if there is something after we die, and we are going to be judged, and we're going one way or another whether we like it or not?
the thing is, it's not the thought of hell that scares me. it's the thought of eternal "life" after death, wherever it may be, in heaven or in hell or in someplace inbetween. eternity terrifies me. when i die, i want to die, body soul and spirit. eternal sleep.
not to mention the fact that if we live on for eternity after our earthly bodies die, our lives here, everything we work for and everything we worry about, money and love and work and school and passion and lust and music and books...everything is worthless and you get nothing out of this world because in the end you live forever in some place beyond where none of it matters.
i want this to matter, this is my life and it is going to matter to me until the day i die, and then there will be nothing left to me except peace. and that's all i need. there's no way to know until i get there, and there's no way i am going to change my life, so i will keep my hope&belief in the everlasting sleep and be happier for it.
a momentary fear. everything is something and in the end, peace is everything.
the thing is, it's not the thought of hell that scares me. it's the thought of eternal "life" after death, wherever it may be, in heaven or in hell or in someplace inbetween. eternity terrifies me. when i die, i want to die, body soul and spirit. eternal sleep.
not to mention the fact that if we live on for eternity after our earthly bodies die, our lives here, everything we work for and everything we worry about, money and love and work and school and passion and lust and music and books...everything is worthless and you get nothing out of this world because in the end you live forever in some place beyond where none of it matters.
i want this to matter, this is my life and it is going to matter to me until the day i die, and then there will be nothing left to me except peace. and that's all i need. there's no way to know until i get there, and there's no way i am going to change my life, so i will keep my hope&belief in the everlasting sleep and be happier for it.
a momentary fear. everything is something and in the end, peace is everything.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
this heart's on fire
i will never forget the time we made a waterslide in the backyard, with a garbage can, a slide, a hose and a kiddie pool. i will never forget the first time i went to her house, disliking her and bringing a book because i didn't think she would be entertaining, not realising she would remain my best friend for ten years. i will never forget the first time i looked into his eyes, the first time he and i kissed [[our hands on each others cheeks; there was no such thing as close enough]]. i will never forget my first year of college, and i will never forget all the important things i learnt that had nothing to do with academics. i will never forget the times we laughed 'til our sides ached, tears streaming out of our eyes. i will never forget the nights we stayed up, he & i and she & i respectively, crying our eyes out because we thought we lost it all. i will never forget the times that i did lose it all, and i will never forget the journey to get it all back. i will never forget the way the sunlight painted our existence these summer days, bringing us a sense of joy. i will never forget the time he and i had a picnic at nighttime on our anniversary, sitting in front of a children's library and waxing nostalgic. i will never forget how it felt when we thought the world would stop for us, and how it felt when we realised it couldn't. i will never forget riding our bicycles to the library, in those days before we had fines that keep us from ever showing our faces there again. i will never forget the days of chocolate-smeared faces, gap-toothed grins and glasses. i will never forget these days of epiphany-filled coffee dates, cynicism and hope alike flaring beneath our lashes with every word we speak. i will never forget the nights we spent, dancing until our feet felt like they would fall off, and then dancing some more. i will never forget the day we felt infinite. i will never forget the day he completed my world, and i will never forget the day he shattered it. i will never forget all the amazing times we had together. i will never forget those first san diego sunsets that enchanted all of us, drew us into their spells. i will never forget my soulmates, my best friends in the world.
memories are important.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
dream particles
what are we living for nowadays? some people live for money and material success, others live for love and romance, still others live for eccentricities and the oddities of life. some live for books, escaping into the land of fantasy, while some live for music, allowing meaningful noise to absorb into every pore of their bodies. some live for a blend of all these things. some spend years trying to figure out what they're meant to live for. i think we think too much about the things that comprise us as people; we think too much about the intricacies of what makes us, us. it is true that we are intricate beings, we are made up of so many different feelings and emotions and thoughts and particles that come together to make a whole; but while pondering the why's and how's of it all, it feels like we are, to an extent, taking away from the experience. we are the sum of all our parts, now we should live and breathe free and enjoy it. this is what we are here for.
what did i believe in?
we came to several conclusions today; things that are actually very very obvious, things we knew in the backs of our minds, but we voiced them.
1) we realised the circularity of the boy-girl problem while we were sitting in a coffeeshop. it is as follows:
girls are psycho and constantly needing attention because boys are assholes who don't call girls back because girls are psycho and constantly needing attention because boys are assholes...and so on, and so forth.
yes, this is a generalisation, but we are in fact speaking generally. we realise there are exceptions. we also realise that we are exceptions, for the most part...so the question now, is, how can we get others to realise this?
in the end it all comes down to whether or not your significant dating other gives you the chance to prove yourself.
2) hell is suburbia, suburbia is hell. yes, we realise many people are content in suburbia, but we aren't. surburbia is where we come to die.
seriously, we feel so alive and full of vitality in other cities, regardless of how much activity is actually going on. life is full of possibilities; we're the kind of person who looks around and sees art on every streetcorner, in every alleyway. we take pictures and make music, we laugh and love and it all comes so easily to us...
...until we come here. here, we rot. we are useless here. music, creation, pure happiness, they go out the door, to be replaced with unhappiness, scrambling to fill our time with things that will get us through another day. waking up becomes a chore. it is stagnant and it is time to break free.
the "we" i refer to is my best friend and myself; we think alike. the princess and the butterfly.
oh, and he doesn't matter anymore, and that makes me very happy.
1) we realised the circularity of the boy-girl problem while we were sitting in a coffeeshop. it is as follows:
girls are psycho and constantly needing attention because boys are assholes who don't call girls back because girls are psycho and constantly needing attention because boys are assholes...and so on, and so forth.
yes, this is a generalisation, but we are in fact speaking generally. we realise there are exceptions. we also realise that we are exceptions, for the most part...so the question now, is, how can we get others to realise this?
in the end it all comes down to whether or not your significant dating other gives you the chance to prove yourself.
2) hell is suburbia, suburbia is hell. yes, we realise many people are content in suburbia, but we aren't. surburbia is where we come to die.
seriously, we feel so alive and full of vitality in other cities, regardless of how much activity is actually going on. life is full of possibilities; we're the kind of person who looks around and sees art on every streetcorner, in every alleyway. we take pictures and make music, we laugh and love and it all comes so easily to us...
...until we come here. here, we rot. we are useless here. music, creation, pure happiness, they go out the door, to be replaced with unhappiness, scrambling to fill our time with things that will get us through another day. waking up becomes a chore. it is stagnant and it is time to break free.
the "we" i refer to is my best friend and myself; we think alike. the princess and the butterfly.
oh, and he doesn't matter anymore, and that makes me very happy.
Monday, July 2, 2007
i found the reason
i went to the interview, it went perfectly, i got the job, i left and was ecstatic, i got a phone call 10 minutes later and i no longer had the job because i have to leave in the fall. i am crushed. i really, really wanted it.
i talked to my mother about it, and her advice? "pray to god next time before you go into an interview and you will get the job."
now, i'm not trying to be an asshole here, but i find that to be one of the more useless things i've ever heard her say. mostly because it's not true. praying to this god doesn't get you what you want. effort gets you what you want. it's time, and a coincidence that occurs between what you want and what someone else needs that gets you what you want. it's your motivational drive, the strength of your own desires. praying might give you confidence if you're so inclined, but the thought that it can give some people actual conviction is just staggering to me.
it's like putting an extra step, a gap of sorts, between yourself and the realisation of your goals.
i.e., you-->"the help of your god"-->realisation of goals
when i feel it ought to look more like
you-->realisation of goals.
this may all be inane babbling; you may be asking, so what if people pray a bit to god for help as long as they put forth some effort anyway? it makes no difference in the bigger picture, right?
this may be true; however, when examining the lives of religious people vs. non-religious people, i've found that their achievements/successes/failures generally fall within the same ballpark, so it seems as though this conviction is ill-founded. thus, and this might be incredibly offensive to some, it seems as though religion and praying and devoting yourself to god is this big "vanity" thing--it's used to boost your self-confidence, this faith makes you feel stronger, but ultimately, it doesn't change the outcome of your life, rendering it unnecessary.
i don't belittle people for their beliefs; if you believe in god, and you like to pray, then that's totally fine by me; the fact that you care enough to believe in something makes you better than most people out there. but i wish people wouldn't belittle me for my lack of belief in religion. i am what i am, and i believe in myself and in my ability to be a good person, and that's all i want for myself. i am content.
i talked to my mother about it, and her advice? "pray to god next time before you go into an interview and you will get the job."
now, i'm not trying to be an asshole here, but i find that to be one of the more useless things i've ever heard her say. mostly because it's not true. praying to this god doesn't get you what you want. effort gets you what you want. it's time, and a coincidence that occurs between what you want and what someone else needs that gets you what you want. it's your motivational drive, the strength of your own desires. praying might give you confidence if you're so inclined, but the thought that it can give some people actual conviction is just staggering to me.
it's like putting an extra step, a gap of sorts, between yourself and the realisation of your goals.
i.e., you-->"the help of your god"-->realisation of goals
when i feel it ought to look more like
you-->realisation of goals.
this may all be inane babbling; you may be asking, so what if people pray a bit to god for help as long as they put forth some effort anyway? it makes no difference in the bigger picture, right?
this may be true; however, when examining the lives of religious people vs. non-religious people, i've found that their achievements/successes/failures generally fall within the same ballpark, so it seems as though this conviction is ill-founded. thus, and this might be incredibly offensive to some, it seems as though religion and praying and devoting yourself to god is this big "vanity" thing--it's used to boost your self-confidence, this faith makes you feel stronger, but ultimately, it doesn't change the outcome of your life, rendering it unnecessary.
i don't belittle people for their beliefs; if you believe in god, and you like to pray, then that's totally fine by me; the fact that you care enough to believe in something makes you better than most people out there. but i wish people wouldn't belittle me for my lack of belief in religion. i am what i am, and i believe in myself and in my ability to be a good person, and that's all i want for myself. i am content.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
here in my mind, all these words
i don't even know how to put this. i don't know who i am anymore. on one hand i am this person who writes and thinks and breathes and just feels really hard, and that is me, but then the person who likes to go out and meet people and meet boys and be cynical about life is also me, and i can't get them to coincide. i feel like my life is spent looking for distraction, but i don't even know what i'm trying to distract myself from. i think about myself and i feel the same way you feel when you're watching a movie, or a tv show--this is fake and we will be returning to reality soon. but this is my reality. i'm just trying to fill all my time up. i don't know if i'm having fun anymore, i can't even tell if i'm enjoying the things i do--now i do things for the sake of doing them, not for the sake of enjoyment. i call people and make plans, not necessarily because i particularly want to be doing something specific, but because i don't want to sit at home. this is no way to live.
i don't feel like i'm real, and i don't mean genuine, because i mean everything i say, i try to be good. i mean tangible, in a sense. sometimes when i'm talking to people i stop and think about how i must seem to them, and i am appalled--i talk too loud, i'm too opinionated about some things while knowing nothing about things that matter. i feel like i have no substance.
it's like there's a cloud between my soul and my body; i can't get to know myself anymore. i am trying to be grateful because i have everything i need, even if i don't have everything i want. but i can't shake this sense of panic that one day i'm gonna wake up and realise that i left myself behind a long time ago and there's no way to get that back.
i don't feel like i'm real, and i don't mean genuine, because i mean everything i say, i try to be good. i mean tangible, in a sense. sometimes when i'm talking to people i stop and think about how i must seem to them, and i am appalled--i talk too loud, i'm too opinionated about some things while knowing nothing about things that matter. i feel like i have no substance.
it's like there's a cloud between my soul and my body; i can't get to know myself anymore. i am trying to be grateful because i have everything i need, even if i don't have everything i want. but i can't shake this sense of panic that one day i'm gonna wake up and realise that i left myself behind a long time ago and there's no way to get that back.
Friday, June 29, 2007
get yourself together, shake shake shake shake shake
i miss dancing.
i miss the music, the dim rooms with coloured lights beaming overhead, turning people's faces blue, green, purple, yellow. the incredible feeling of just letting yourself GO to the likes of ratatat, the rapture, the yeah yeah yeahs, michael jackson, the cure. people dressed amazingly well, a cloud of smoke hanging over everyone out on the balcony. the feeling of sweat drying on your face as soon as you step outside. i miss going crazy with my friends.
i miss romance, i really miss the feeling of holding hands, feeling the distinct touch of the warm dry skin of a boy i'm really into. that's one of my favourites. kissing in cars, being unable to fall asleep in the same bed because it's so damn hard to fall asleep next to someone else, but enjoying staying awake silently together.
goddammit.
i miss the music, the dim rooms with coloured lights beaming overhead, turning people's faces blue, green, purple, yellow. the incredible feeling of just letting yourself GO to the likes of ratatat, the rapture, the yeah yeah yeahs, michael jackson, the cure. people dressed amazingly well, a cloud of smoke hanging over everyone out on the balcony. the feeling of sweat drying on your face as soon as you step outside. i miss going crazy with my friends.
i miss romance, i really miss the feeling of holding hands, feeling the distinct touch of the warm dry skin of a boy i'm really into. that's one of my favourites. kissing in cars, being unable to fall asleep in the same bed because it's so damn hard to fall asleep next to someone else, but enjoying staying awake silently together.
goddammit.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
destination unknown
i CAN'T stay here another 2.5 months. i just can't.
i feel like i am just slowly diminishing, i am on the verge of tears more often than i'd like to admit, i am constantly fighting this rising sense of panic. i look around and i just hate this place.
why does this keep happening to me? how can a place impact me so much?
anywhere but here. i keep praying i'll wake up and i'll be anywhere but here.
i feel like i am just slowly diminishing, i am on the verge of tears more often than i'd like to admit, i am constantly fighting this rising sense of panic. i look around and i just hate this place.
why does this keep happening to me? how can a place impact me so much?
anywhere but here. i keep praying i'll wake up and i'll be anywhere but here.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
well i've got a hand, so i've got a fist
you know what? i'm just as scared as you. i've been hurt, too. i've felt it and yes, it did hurt that badly. i hate the way i look, chances are i don't feel like i'm gonna be attractive to you. the music i listen to isn't as cool and indie as the music you listen to. you terrify me.
but the difference between you and me is, i don't let that fear stand in my way. i realise that if i hold myself back due to past experiences, i'll never get anywhere. i know that allowing myself to feel it, even if it hurts, is so much better than never feeling anything at all. and i know that once i get past it, we can be great together. i look at the future as well as the present.
i think your fear is pathetic, i think it's time to grow up. this is life.
this is why i'm not dating for a good long while. all the romance and all the feeling get sucked away, to be replaced with fear and careful stepping and "don't call hims" and "don't let him know you like him because you'll scare him aways"; i've realised how much people stick to these rules that should just not exist in the first place.
i'll become a part of this again when things go back to being simple. until then, i am happy being on my own. this is my much-needed opportunity to just do the things that i want to do.
but the difference between you and me is, i don't let that fear stand in my way. i realise that if i hold myself back due to past experiences, i'll never get anywhere. i know that allowing myself to feel it, even if it hurts, is so much better than never feeling anything at all. and i know that once i get past it, we can be great together. i look at the future as well as the present.
i think your fear is pathetic, i think it's time to grow up. this is life.
this is why i'm not dating for a good long while. all the romance and all the feeling get sucked away, to be replaced with fear and careful stepping and "don't call hims" and "don't let him know you like him because you'll scare him aways"; i've realised how much people stick to these rules that should just not exist in the first place.
i'll become a part of this again when things go back to being simple. until then, i am happy being on my own. this is my much-needed opportunity to just do the things that i want to do.
Monday, June 25, 2007
take me back in time
my best friend is irreplaceable, plain and simple, as much a part of my world as the sky, the sun, music.
it's a long story, but we can't see each other anymore without it being rare and secret, and now it feels like a part of my world is missing--and who wants to live without their sky, their sun?
i get a cold knot of dread every time i think about the fact that nothing is ever going to be the same again.
that statement usually feels liberating to me. i never want my life to always be the same; i love change, i love experiencing new things and changing because of them.
but the thing is, i never thought i'd have to do it without her.
it's a long story, but we can't see each other anymore without it being rare and secret, and now it feels like a part of my world is missing--and who wants to live without their sky, their sun?
i get a cold knot of dread every time i think about the fact that nothing is ever going to be the same again.
that statement usually feels liberating to me. i never want my life to always be the same; i love change, i love experiencing new things and changing because of them.
but the thing is, i never thought i'd have to do it without her.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
i am a circle
1.) i'm going to stop caring. i'm going to stop thinking about him, because he doesn't mean a thing anymore. i mean, he shouldn't mean a thing anymore.
2.) i can't stop caring. i don't want to stop caring about her. i can't stop thinking about her, because she means the world to me.
i do this thing where i get all strong and make these resolutions in my head, and for a while, things are ok. then nighttime comes around and everything goes right out the door, and i'm back at the beginning. a line allows progress, a circle does not.
i've gotta remember how to go from here to there without ending up back here again.
2.) i can't stop caring. i don't want to stop caring about her. i can't stop thinking about her, because she means the world to me.
i do this thing where i get all strong and make these resolutions in my head, and for a while, things are ok. then nighttime comes around and everything goes right out the door, and i'm back at the beginning. a line allows progress, a circle does not.
i've gotta remember how to go from here to there without ending up back here again.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
through a glass; darkly
my heart beats strong inside its cage. it finds the space between the big and the small, it finds the grey of the matter and sometimes, it finds the truth. it doesn't have all of the answers, but it doesn't need all of the answers, because it finds experience as it walks down a dusty road.
my heart beats strong every time it meets a stranger, every time it greets a face as familiar as the day. it puts music to the sun and the moon and the cold air in wintertime, white picket fences and emerald lawns. it reads between the lines of every line of poetry, prose, every lyric born.
my heart beats strong against all odds, and i pray it never stops.
my heart beats strong every time it meets a stranger, every time it greets a face as familiar as the day. it puts music to the sun and the moon and the cold air in wintertime, white picket fences and emerald lawns. it reads between the lines of every line of poetry, prose, every lyric born.
my heart beats strong against all odds, and i pray it never stops.
Friday, June 22, 2007
the fact is
Humans are fearful creatures...no, no ellipsis. Period.
When exactly was it that people stopped caring? When people got so fucking afraid? I want to know. And I want to know how to stop deluding myself into thinking that I can change it.
But the fact is, there needs to be change. This isn't meant to be one big episode of Sex & the City. It was never meant to be real, people were never meant to be like this. Or maybe I just wasn't meant to think like that, maybe I'm just different. Maybe the only change that needs to take place "should" be within myself.
Fitting squares into circles was never my forte, but why can't the two just coexist without friction?
Go spend an hour in the sunshine, ride a bicycle down a hill on a windy night, hold hands, watch people together and their interactions and their closeness/distance from each other. Go play with a laughing child, go have a real meaningful conversation with someone you just met and will probably never see again. Go drive your car going 90mph on the freeway with your music loud and your hand sticking out your window, doing the wavey thing where it feels like it's in water. Go smile at a stranger and mean it.
Go do these things, and then tell me how you can still be afraid.
When exactly was it that people stopped caring? When people got so fucking afraid? I want to know. And I want to know how to stop deluding myself into thinking that I can change it.
But the fact is, there needs to be change. This isn't meant to be one big episode of Sex & the City. It was never meant to be real, people were never meant to be like this. Or maybe I just wasn't meant to think like that, maybe I'm just different. Maybe the only change that needs to take place "should" be within myself.
Fitting squares into circles was never my forte, but why can't the two just coexist without friction?
Go spend an hour in the sunshine, ride a bicycle down a hill on a windy night, hold hands, watch people together and their interactions and their closeness/distance from each other. Go play with a laughing child, go have a real meaningful conversation with someone you just met and will probably never see again. Go drive your car going 90mph on the freeway with your music loud and your hand sticking out your window, doing the wavey thing where it feels like it's in water. Go smile at a stranger and mean it.
Go do these things, and then tell me how you can still be afraid.
cause = time
The first sentence is always the most awkward. This isn't an exception.
The thing is, as ridiculous as the notion may seem, I think I need this sort of thing to stay sane this summer. Written journals are too much hassle, too pretentious; you go through all the motions, you get out a pen and write all your "deep thoughts" and whatnot into an ordinary college-ruled book you've deemed special for your own purposes, and you hide it, as though someone would actually care to read it if they came across it.
Fact is, in this day and age, journals are so passe; so you have something to say. So you've got hidden thoughts and emotions, or maybe you've got some feeling of desperation that you can't let out anywhere else. So what? Everyone has that. And by now, most people have learnt to keep it all inside, and overtures of emotion are looked down upon. The person who comes across your journal is immediately going to put it down and go watch some ESPN. How does that make you feel? Maybe you should go write about it in your journal.
Yeah, I'm just as pathetic as you written-journal kids. The difference between you and me is, I'm too lazy to write--typing is so much faster.
So back to the point--I need this for the summer. Beyond that? We'll see when we get to it.
I just finished my first year of college. I gained: experience, a solid sense of self-confidence that gives me the ability to do anything I want to do, a better knowledge of the way people work, the best friends a girl could EVER ask for, and a general sense of happiness.
I lost: my best friend in the entire world, a semi-decent portion of my optimism for the endurance of romance, a few people [namely boys] who could have been real somethings, and a lot of respect for a lot of people.
Now I'm back home, in a place where I feel like I have no ties, trying to keep everything I gained in my first year of true independence from running away from me just because I'm back under my parents' roof.
I'm ecstatic, crushed, bold and terrified, and just trying to figure things out. I have stories to tell, questions to ask, dreams and plans and the overwhelming sense of something crashing down, the uplifting feeling of soaring through this thing called life, and I'm so happy that I get to share it all with you.
The thing is, as ridiculous as the notion may seem, I think I need this sort of thing to stay sane this summer. Written journals are too much hassle, too pretentious; you go through all the motions, you get out a pen and write all your "deep thoughts" and whatnot into an ordinary college-ruled book you've deemed special for your own purposes, and you hide it, as though someone would actually care to read it if they came across it.
Fact is, in this day and age, journals are so passe; so you have something to say. So you've got hidden thoughts and emotions, or maybe you've got some feeling of desperation that you can't let out anywhere else. So what? Everyone has that. And by now, most people have learnt to keep it all inside, and overtures of emotion are looked down upon. The person who comes across your journal is immediately going to put it down and go watch some ESPN. How does that make you feel? Maybe you should go write about it in your journal.
Yeah, I'm just as pathetic as you written-journal kids. The difference between you and me is, I'm too lazy to write--typing is so much faster.
So back to the point--I need this for the summer. Beyond that? We'll see when we get to it.
I just finished my first year of college. I gained: experience, a solid sense of self-confidence that gives me the ability to do anything I want to do, a better knowledge of the way people work, the best friends a girl could EVER ask for, and a general sense of happiness.
I lost: my best friend in the entire world, a semi-decent portion of my optimism for the endurance of romance, a few people [namely boys] who could have been real somethings, and a lot of respect for a lot of people.
Now I'm back home, in a place where I feel like I have no ties, trying to keep everything I gained in my first year of true independence from running away from me just because I'm back under my parents' roof.
I'm ecstatic, crushed, bold and terrified, and just trying to figure things out. I have stories to tell, questions to ask, dreams and plans and the overwhelming sense of something crashing down, the uplifting feeling of soaring through this thing called life, and I'm so happy that I get to share it all with you.
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