i don't even know how to put this. i don't know who i am anymore. on one hand i am this person who writes and thinks and breathes and just feels really hard, and that is me, but then the person who likes to go out and meet people and meet boys and be cynical about life is also me, and i can't get them to coincide. i feel like my life is spent looking for distraction, but i don't even know what i'm trying to distract myself from. i think about myself and i feel the same way you feel when you're watching a movie, or a tv show--this is fake and we will be returning to reality soon. but this is my reality. i'm just trying to fill all my time up. i don't know if i'm having fun anymore, i can't even tell if i'm enjoying the things i do--now i do things for the sake of doing them, not for the sake of enjoyment. i call people and make plans, not necessarily because i particularly want to be doing something specific, but because i don't want to sit at home. this is no way to live.
i don't feel like i'm real, and i don't mean genuine, because i mean everything i say, i try to be good. i mean tangible, in a sense. sometimes when i'm talking to people i stop and think about how i must seem to them, and i am appalled--i talk too loud, i'm too opinionated about some things while knowing nothing about things that matter. i feel like i have no substance.
it's like there's a cloud between my soul and my body; i can't get to know myself anymore. i am trying to be grateful because i have everything i need, even if i don't have everything i want. but i can't shake this sense of panic that one day i'm gonna wake up and realise that i left myself behind a long time ago and there's no way to get that back.
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hey you. I made a blogger too, one that will be more diary-like, which I'm only going to show you and Craig. It's the veneer of vanity one, the other one was for my library class, lol.
anyway, i hope you feel better. california is such a stagnating place. i keep wishing you could come to amsterdam with me this summer, we'd have such fun. :(
i miss you already.
it's not california, i don't feel like california is really stagnating. well, maybe norcal. it's more I'M stagnant here, hah.
yeah i miss yo' ass, son. i can't believe it's gonna be such a long time before i see you. :[ at least you're having fun in scotland.
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