time to let go

i think the time may have come. i've been sitting in this room all day, either losing myself in a book or thinking very seriously about everything.

i don't know how to handle this anymore; i thought i did, i thought i could take anything that came my way, but i'm not sure i can any longer. the guilt that i feel every time my mom reiterates her trust in me, the rage at all the people who make exaggerated and despicably untrue statements based on tiny little grains of truth, and the gossip...i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.

i think it might be time to sever ties. my muslim friends, i love you all more than you'll ever know, but this is something that just needs to be done, i think. it will be better for all of you--your parents won't be giving you trouble about me anymore, no more lying and sticking up for me. it'll be better for me too, someday--i'll be gone without a trace, the lack of my presence here will eventually mean they'll have nothing to talk about anymore.

i have one month, and then i'll be gone. i'm never coming back. by now, the thought of leaving also fills me with despair--my best friend and i, parted forever. i don't know what it's going to be like, but i've got to handle it somehow.

i really, really hate this.