with every day that goes by, this desire gets stronger. it is buoyed up by desperation, and a sick sense of impossibility lies in its wake.
i want to just get up one day, erase all traces of my ever having lived here, and in san diego. leave a room as empty as the day i found it, leave this city where i don't belong. with me i would take clothing, my guitar, my camera, my savings, and this laptop. i want to get in my car and drive across the country (flying would be easier, but driving would be an adventure). i want to end up in new york. i want to change my name, change my hair, change my style and keep my soul. rent a couch in a strangers living room for $600/month. find a job, make money, find friends and love and adventure and seedy dive bars and dance all night.
i want a completely brand new life where i don't have to worry about what a bunch of religious fanatics are saying about me, about my friends. where i'm not sick with worry about what they're going to do next, how they're going to try and ruin my life again. where i don't constantly have to try to stay ahead of the game.
but i'm stuck. whether i'm here or in san diego, i cannot escape them. that thought terrifies me.
one day i'll have the courage to go to new york and create a new life for myself in which i will have no ties to anyone i know now, except maybe sarah. and until that day comes, i've got to find the strength to keep going, without buckling down.
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4 comments:
you can do anything you want to, but anything worth doing takes focus, dedication and discipline one way or the other.
my parents beg me to come see them now that i don't live there anymore.
take a notebook and start writing out a plan for accomplishing your goals. make lists. calculate money. make preparations. organization is the first step to making your dream s reality.
ouch a bit. :/
well i'd keep in touch with you, miss. the point is, i wanna leave everything about this place behind...including myself to an extent.
yeah, i understand. I wanna do the same thing with scotland.
just as long as you keep in touch with me, whether your in a box or a penthouse! ;)
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