sometimes i just wanna rip my hair out and stomp on the ground and scream until the soft pink lining on my throat is ribbons, until i finally figure out what this is all about. i have this unshakeable fear and belief that in the end, none of this matters.
everything we do, everything we say, everything we lose & gain, all the good times and the bad, all these things in our lives that we consider to be of utmost importance are all swept away like dust on a windy day. we work and school ourselves and we get jobs that affect a few people, we drive to see people and when a night is over, it is over. nothing lasts. what's the point of anything? fleeting good times, fleeting romances, stuff that does not last. it all goes away, so why are we trying so hard?
i know i'm being stupid, but it confuses me sometimes.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
pure exhilaration
the blackest part of the night, seductive with her cold airs and wild possibilities, called me, and i went gladly. the freeway was empty of all cars except my own, headlights barely cracking the dense cover of darkness, trees obscuring the most persistent streetlights. shine a light by wolf parade was clawing its way through my speakers, a steady beat that always serves to get my heart beating wildly, never fails to make me feel free. i rolled all four windows down, revved the engine and upped my speed to a glorious 95mph, and felt the air rush in and whip my hair and my soul into a wild frenzy. i put my left arm out the window, cupped the air, made motions that made my hand feel like it was rippling through cold water. it was amazing and wild and free, and it was what i needed.
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
I keep my head up tight
I make my plans at night
And I don't sleep I don't sleep I don't sleep 'til it's light
Pulse flowing, someone buried alive
And if that head opens we built a life of work
Where we're chain chain chain chain, chained to the life
But that's fine, our blood is alive
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
there was nowhere to go but everywhere
keep rolling under the stars. it's been a while, i know; i've been in chicago. more specifically, a small suburb a small ways away from chicago. small, 1000 people maybe, cornfields in all their golden glory, loose t-shirts and sweatpants galore, nothing besides the local wal-mart open past 8pm. their world is small. i left my heart in the big cities, in the skylines of new york and san francisco, in the beaches, the foggy mornings, the wet-haired early morning surfers of san diego, the drizzle and quietly burgeoning hugeness of london.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
this desire for car travel is creeping its way into my veins, slowly filling every artery, seeping into my heart only to be redistributed throughout my body. i feel it in my fingertips, my earlobes. i want loose-haired yelling freedom, madness, the kind of freedom you find screaming at the top of your lungs in an open-topped car going 90 on a deserted freeway. i have probably been reading too much kerouac. but honestly, my entire being is buzzing for traveling freedom, new sights, new faces, new perspectives. soon.
on a more serious note, i do believe there is something that is going wrong inside me. all these times i've felt like i'm going insane, i thought to myself, this happens to people, everyone feels like they're going crazy, this is something that will pass. but i figured out what's been happening. at random odd moments, in the car or at a friend's house or at the movies, but mostly when i am alone at home in my bed, i get horrible, horrible anxiety attacks. panic attacks. they have become more frequent as of late. i can't breathe, i can't think straight or think rational thoughts, my heart beats hard enough that i fear it will burst right out of my chest, my teeth clench together so hard that they ache for hours afterwards, my hands become claws that scratch at themselves in their fury or they go straight for my hair, pulling at it as though the hair is a rope they can climb back to normalcy. it is, frankly, scary as all hell--and the worst part is that in the midst of it, it feels like it will never end. the aftermath is a shaky, fragile mess, out of breath. i think horrible thoughts, i think about how everything is futile and we are doing everything for nothing and in the end we just die with nothing left to show for any of this, we leave no true marks behind. i think about all these things that have been going wrong and how they are affecting me and all these people who are important to me. i think about the fact that i lost that true sense of happiness at the beginning of 2006 and everything since has felt fleeting, momentary, as though contentment is taunting me--and i know how selfish that thought is, i do. i am lucky. but i can't rationalise. and the scariest part of all is that i really don't know what WILL make me truly happy again, happy for longer than a night or a day, i don't know if anything like that exists anymore.
i don't get along with my family; even my sister thinks i am selfish and too concerned with my own well-being. i've tried to explain that this might be a phase, i am just looking out for myself in light of recent events, that i refuse to let anyone step all over me again--especially that as i am trying to straighten out and stand on my own two feet, i am trying to keep from affecting my family. they don't understand that nothing i am doing is rationally supposed to have any bearing on them; they get offended by my independence. i say that the actions of the people i dislike, their feelings, are useless to me, that i am going to disregard all the people who have been making my life miserable lately--and that causes my family to say that i am being selfish. i don't understand. why am i supposed to care about the people who make me feel horrible? why does it make me a terrible person if i emotionally and physically separate myself from the people who are driving me nuts?
there is a rift, and it is growing, and i've tried to stop it and i am failing. but i can't give up my independence for them, i can't bow down again and let people say what they want; i just worked up the self-respect and the knowledge that i deserve better. i can't give that up. and of course, they would say that that is selfish of me.
i am going crazy, i have horrible conversations with myself in my head, i get irrationally angry, in my head i emotionally/physically abuse every person who has done me wrong in the last year, i get horribly depressed and stay that way longer and longer each time it comes round.
and in the end, i find myself wishing for something huge and catastrophic to happen, something that will be pure CHANGE and will help me find meaning in the world and in life again. more and more often on the road, i take risks, take a chance, almost hoping to hear a crunch of metal and see the world go black, crash into something that will wreak havoc and finally bring me change, peace of mind, meaning, change.
what a monstrously long & depressing post.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
sorry about the dark
tonight we watched old home videos of ourselves, 6, 7, 8 years ago. our faces were a little rounder, a little smaller. some of us had glasses; our hair wasn't shiny with product, our skin had not yet encountered the make-up we prize today to make our eyes look a little bigger, our lips a little plumper. there was only softness in our beings, as we had not yet experienced all those things that have since given us our hard edges. there were no secrets; there was only the promise of more summer days spent playing video games and making waterslides in the backyard.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
we had no idea what our futures held for us. we didn't know back then, couldn't know, that in seven years we would all be living in different places. we didn't know how much we liked boys, how some of us would end up liking girls too, how people who easily gave us the greatest joy we've ever known could just as easily break our hearts, as though they were made of the flimsiest of materials.
we didn't know, back in those sunlit days, that tonight was to be our last night together. the four of us, four girls who grew up and experienced everything life had to offer together, finally having to say goodbye. this is the breaking point, the separation between the present and "the good old days". i always wondered when that phrase was going to start showing up in my life, and i've found the answer. of course, that's not to say that the future isn't going to be good--there are many exciting opportunities in store for each one of us. but never again are we going to experience the same innocent, bright-eyed happiness in the simplicity of each other's company.
we've been lucky, my loves. we've been the best family any of us could have hoped for in these ten years. and someday, when we've all grown past the complications of the last few years, when we've left behind these people who have dared to try and get between us...we'll come together again. someday we will sit together on the floor of someone's room, laughing about the silliest things that only we can understand. and when that day comes, no matter how many years have gone by, how many changes we've undergone, the happiness and contentment that we've been so lucky to feel in our youth will shine through us again, casting everything and everyone else into the shadows. someday, we will be whole again.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
and while i'm at it
i've made a decision! the summer after i turn 21, which is also the summer after i graduate, i am going to tour the country with just my car, my guitar, some clothes, books, and food/gas money.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
3 months is enough time for me to fulfill this dream, i think. it'll make a nice cushion between college in southern california and finding a job in new york city.
the endless possibilites that exist in the seemingly neverending roads of the country are soothing. i want to drive, drive, drive far away from here. i want to rest my head in a new place every night. i want to meet different people, find new perspectives on life and everything in it. i want fields, abandoned shops, cities, horizons, smoky bars, live music, books that are meaningful, paved roads that lead nowhere & dirt roads that take me to places we have only dreamt of, coffee, cigarettes, weatherbeaten faces whose lines and wrinkles tell all kinds of stories.
i can't wait.
i've gotta be cool, relax...
i'm a jumbled mess of nerves, paranoia, and the debilitating sense of caged fury. it's silly that as i get closer and closer to moving back to my city, i feel less and less like going out, seeing people, interacting.
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
i know it's all due to being here, due to recent events. it's due to the people i can't stop hating. but i sincerely hope that when i finally get out of here, i'll be able to want to be around people again.
as of right now, the seemingly pointless existence of day to day life is somehow exhausting.
perk up!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
i won that battle.
i caught you. i know exactly what you've found out, how you've found it out, and how as a result you're never gonna find anything again.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
i'm working on getting rid of ALL evidence. soon, there's gonna be nothing but a name left...and even that will be elusive.
you will never know anything new about me ever again. you will never see my face again. i will not care, because to me, you're the lowest of the low, the fucking scum of the earth. liars and hypocrites trying to ingratiate yourselves with me, pretend you're my friend so i will come to you with my problems and immediately stab me in the back. what kind of idiot do you think i am?
after years and years of fighting, i've won, motherfuckers. you have no future with me.
happy august.
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